Anti-Stagnant

What world am I living in?

2011-08-09T14:47:00.003+05:30

I was running errands. I was just completing my term with the organization I was working with. Actually am deserting them. I justified my action, so did they. We separated paths on mutual consent. The place transformed my life. I owe a lot to it. And I still respect the original foundational values it was based upon, “TRANSFORMATION OF LIVES”. Somehow it had drifted its course. The bonding of a family seems to erode as days pass by. New breeds brood new ideas which glorified growth, ultimately sowing the seed to its destruction. The place has become rotten, so have the people within.

Those were the days when I had to choose a path that would tread me across my fear. It was a constant urge to satisfy my uptight desires within. I am a commoner. What good can come from me. I seem to care less. When time was hardly moving its hands across, every second seemed to increase the burden of cross on me. I was looking around.
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I walked quietly inside the tea shop with a sense of emptiness. The face had no evidence of life. It had fallen grace. I watched the people around me. They are the common men and women from the society I lived in. The heavy steps showed no obsessive need of depleting energy. Everyone except me walked towards something, for something. Even the dogs jogged, gracefully.

With a cup of chai, I stood at the poor man’s tea shop vestibule. I glanced at the tea cup. The glass cup reflected my life. Froth and air comprised most of the part than the actual tea. I hissed a sigh. It seemed as though the tea master understood his customer and the quantity of tea is the reflection.

I had all the time in the world. I had nothing to accomplish. Ponder, mull, muse, ruminate, reflect, speculate, think over, chew over, contemplate, excogitate, mediate, I did everything, yet could not find a way to know what I wanted.

Slowly sipping the chai, I looked around. I could see different characters opening up as though by revelation. Everybody moved around restlessly. All perplexed and despaired, poised to accomplish tasks which was highly volatile. The virtual burden they dragged had wearied them down. They all had wrinkles running across, probably the cosmetics companies were cashing on those deep trenches which looked like niche on face.

A lunatic slowly walked towards the tea shop. The man had rhythmic steps. That lean face, pointed beard and a towel shabbily wound around his forehead, he was a picture less regarded. He might have had a name, any name. But something that he no longer associated with. The lunatic passed me and stood before the tea master. The tea master glanced at him and signed him to wait. I looked at him without any expression. I am no different than him. At the least there was nothing expected off him. He had his free cup of tea.

I had now finished my cup of chai. The lunatic threw the plastic cup inside a bag which he was holding under his armpit. He wiped off his face. His monologue once again began. He had lot of issues to resolve in his world. There was a world within him and he played God. I had seen him quite often. His eyes never gazed up. They were always drooped. They always looked at the path he treads.

Scrapped off faith

2011-08-05T07:45:00.001+05:30

Generation change and perspectives in life evolve. I have heard my friends with sad face deep sunk quipping, "Dude, I was in love", you give a quizzical look, they immediately add, "I swear, she disturbed me a lot, even in my dreams". Then I wonder, partly irritated, "woh what the heck with this LOVE".

This is a story about a guy who scrapped off the layer of faith as he faces the life’s greatest mystery. Thoughts like, “ what the f**k happened to her?? This is not suppose to end now, and definitely not like this”, is universal. It is as though an inheritance by birth. Everybody has the same question, albeit the answer. The heat is gone. The wet kiss still has not lost its sweetness. And yet...

It was a usual day with absolutely nothing to work on. It so began with an unexpected twirl that I happen to meet my friend who had just been dumped by his lady love.

“What!!, you never told me that you went for a date, jacka**", was all that I could mutter. Without defending he slings back "Hey what the heck, didn’t I tell you that am in love with a girl a few months back? She's the one, Guess I went for a two month date"

“I was so happy dude, but it’s all over now”.

Isn’t this becoming a cliché`, I asked.

Sort off, yeah. Nothing is in our hands man. She was the captain. I was just a traveler. One fine day you wake up to find yourselves in the middle of the sea. You go to the deck with a cup of coffee just to find the captain’s cabin empty. Then there’s a big bold letter note on the board “I THINK ITS TIME TO SEPARATE”.

“What do you think I will do??”

“You panic”, I replied.

“Nah, hoist the main sail and keep sailing”, he said, subconsciously peeling off the bark from the tree. There was no expression on his face. He seemed completely lost, stoned. The past must be clawing back onto him. He’s a corpus. The spirit and soul all stressed out. He reminded of the bagasses, all withered.

I was fiddling with the coffee cup. It has become cold. But his words were much colder than the brew. He continued with his philosophy and I kept reeling over what he had become into.

Those words were piercing through me. Every word you listen is like a programmed setup file stored deep within your subconscious mind. It gets installed without our consent. And every thought of yours has to be subjugated to these files, which then becomes the action.

I didn’t answer, just went pondering over what he said. He says he's fine with it, "Dude, Just couldn’t gel with her, she is the mother of pests" and what followed was interesting, "Be careful of girls bro, they are leechly dangerous"

----to be cont.

Steam off --- -->

2010-07-07T15:32:00.006+05:30

Am returning back to the blogger community...

Theories are never my forte. I am wearied of impersonation. What good does it do to us to impersonate something? Am more like a fish outta water. I need water, no soda please..

I knew this for sure, my faith confession,
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Never had I had such bitterness, neither would I prefer anymore.
Am a student.

I can.
I will.
I am.

Will you?
Would you?

Why not!
Haven't I!

The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;

The LORD has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.

Coram Deo,
FEnn <- preferably -> Moses

Cop story continues...

2008-04-25T01:22:00.006+05:30

There's some kinda relationship between me and the cops, we have to keep meeting each other somehow or the other, quite often.
Around 11:15pm at night, I was getting back home from office. There was some situation in our locality and often the police patrol beats are dumped along the main road junction. They make it a point to check every vehicle that cross their barigade.
There are things that have to
be followed in default when these gentle beings stop you.
1) Get down from the bike
2) Show your licence
3) Explain them why you are late
4) Reason for wearing a low hip jean
5) Reason for not cutting your hair
6) Bike insurance
7) RC book
8) If you look dark like me, make them believe that you are not a "African" or a "Srilankan" ( I often fail to convince them)
9) They so much care about your life that they make it a point in particular to fine you, that you become a law abiding citizen from the next minute, though no bill would be provided
10) compliment them with 50 bucks, 20 bucks, one cigarette(they are particular about the brand they use, brand loyalty)

Today I have to answer the cop that I am not a Srilankan and a resident of Chennai.

The cop wanted to fine me for not wearing a helmet.

I owe a lot to these guys in Khaki. Got inspired by the tough Khaka khaka cop, Surya

Returning after a huge break!!

2008-04-25T01:16:00.001+05:30

Life can at times throw tantrums at you. All you can do is just stare blank. Quotes that flagged positively to fight against strong tides against you, looked mesmerising in books and speeches but when it came to fight my own battle, its an altogether different task.
Now am into online marketing. It was something that I was unaware off like the previous job, Instructional Designing. But guess what, here there are people who talk and encourage you when you are down.
"You should have balls of steel da, dont submit to any ass", this is the mantra taught to me on the first day at the office. I am practicing it, and guess I have got atleast half of what it takes to be full.
After a long time I went to theatre to watch a movie with my friends, later I heard comments that did not favor the movie.
Lot of thing to share, but am so much flooded that I have to sit and put everything in order!!!
Guess I'll update my blog continuosly from now on and henceforth.

Saint and the Bird...

2007-08-09T12:59:00.000+05:30

I have always wanted to help those in need. And I have always loved it, I thought I have a good heart to help people. I was on my way to office. I was late and I did all the stunts on road to move forward as fast as I could. My mind was not ready to think of anything. My concentration was high as one mistake would really prove fatal. All of a sudden there was this one winged crow hopping helplessly on the road trying to escape the speeding vehicles. When I noticed it I was too close to the poor bird. What would I do if something erupts all of a sudden on a busy road. But somehow I made a sharp reflex and missed the bird by centimetres. My heart started beating wildly since that was too close. After then I started thinking, "If the bird is left there on the road, the probability of living is pretty less". I thought about going back to the place to help the bird. Before I could settle with that thought, lot of possiblities and probabilities sprouted. I was baffled with the intense these thoughts aroused. "Where will I drop the bird, since I didn find any tree around", "what if the bird feels frightened and peck", "what will I do with the bird after rescuing", "How will I grab the bird out of the morning peak pecking traffic", so many thoughts and no answer. I decided to drop these pathless answerless quests and turn back to help the bird. By this time I have travelled some half a km. I turned back and drove my motorbike as fast as I could. Dodged and swayed, did all I could to reach the bird in time. Alas, the bird was just a feather covered pulp. I couldn take the sight when the crossed the dead. I felt a strong ping in my heart and was deeply troubled. I could have saved the bird. It was not just the case of a bird dying on the road but I learned the best lesson in an unexpected manner. NEVER BE LATE TO HELP THOSE IN NEED. WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IS NOT AN EXCUSE. JUST MOVE OUT TO THEM AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT. (After the bird's gone I thought about calling the blue cross). I felt like a saint when I thought that I could help someone, but when the situation really demanded an immediate reflex I just went after excuses. I have now learned to take up responsibilities. Am not hoping for the same dramatic situation again but preparing my self for the simple tasks that could make a lot of differences.

Two years of revolution for evolution

2007-04-03T13:49:00.000+05:30

Two years of revolution for evolution
Changing your self, leaving behind the hard bound attitudes and accepting the truth about yourselves isn’t that easy. There were days when I thought “I wish I could be a little taller”, “How I wish I could be a little fairer”’ “Damn, I should have been a sportsman and not fiddling with this computers”. Sure there were reasons behind every thought that shadowed my present.
Describing the kind of person I was in simple words “short (5.1”), dark, built like a barrel (my friends used to mock me, “bro, why rolling down the street when you can walk”), and I was always ready to let loose the positive things in me and grasp the negative impacts things had on me.
People were ready to mock me, let that be my college or my church, everywhere the same, at times I felt like God was having his part too in this jumble.
School days over, I thought. Now ‘m getting into a college, a great institution where religion played an important part. I was very proud the first day I entered the college, big campus which I have never seen in my life, those vintage structures, mixture of old and new cultures, those foreign nationalities… they were new to me. And I started liking it. When people asked me, “What are you doing” I used to proudly answer them “’m doing my graduation in English in _______college”. And what I heard next from many was “yeah Christians easily find a place there”, people failed to recognize my talents, that easily put me off easily, again and again and again. It ravaged my brains, squandered my thoughts ultimately I became a “Mr. Nobody”.
Three good years rolled, followed by one more year. That one more year almost changed my moving track completely, my life changed, and I felt better and my best.
I owe a million to those who helped in those days. The encouragement and love that I received in those days were the corner stone for my building up into a better person.

MCC
After then I landed in this wonderful place which was my dream for years. I fell in love with this campus the very first day I saw. I have always had a irk feeling when people were happy about their falling in love, I used to think, “poor thing, he hasn’t realized that he has fallen, damn till this day you were standing but now you are down, shake off the dust and stand on your knees” I never liked that word, “falling”. Something has changed, now even I have started liking that word “falling, fell, fall”, yeah I fell in love with the campus. And the best part, I enjoyed that fall.
Life in Madras Christian College is smooth, without any speed breakers, they are so even that when it comes to face a uneven situation two things happen, I guess it suits for every MCCian, “they learn to face that situation”, “They remain super cool the next time they face it”. I guess those things are installed in me too. Its upto you how genuine the “cool” pack you get. Some get the wrong files and become irresponsible, but the pack of virus makes them feel that they have crossed the super cool stage and now into superlative cool stage. You learn a lot in your stay in the campus. Heavenly lot of things you get inspired.
My friends and my profs are the best installed packages in my stay in that college. They have run in me some of the best lessons that I wouldn’t have learnt outside. They have taught me “how to respect the men next to you, how not to respect the men next to you”, “they have taught me how to work and how not to work”. Here I should bring in the example of my friends different approaches and ways of completing the work.

DINESH, the damn cool guy, will finish his work whatsoever may come in between; you can see a paradigm shift literally while he works and otherwise. He becomes so serious that I would stand strangled , then gathering all the might left within, make a slow approach, not too fast and not too slow. Any clarification at that time should be feather light. But the guy is sweet, and much sharper. I haven’t met anybody in life like him whose approach to things are totally unique. I owe him a lot. Love you machi

KRISHNA, the guy is sharp and witty, he is known to finish the work on time. He will go to any extend to finish his work. He stays fully focused till the work is done and the best part is even after its done. The guy is a love doctor. The best thing I learnt from his is say “no” when you really have to and talk out your opinion boldly if it has to be. He has also taught me to carry out things with ease and craft it carefully before executing it.

ANDY BOY the cool dude of the department who never says “I Quit” even if its above the his ability. The guy explodes with self confidence and never accepts defeat with ease. You should watch his dramatic courage live, those don’t really have words to describe. The best chapter in him is, the guy is such sweet heart. You can trust him at any time and at any hour. He can work continuously round the clock. His love for people is genuine.
I can testify about them since I have seen them in action and have been with them.

The class is full of 28 different attitude, which at time clash bringing in sparks but that does not last longer, the guys are always ready to put off the heat.

I witnessed a lot of things in this two year stay, learnt a lot, heard statements like “Fenn, you are what I thought you are, you have changed a lot da”.

The efforts I took to change my self and bring out the attitude and character were immense. I started realizing the situations I go through, opened my eyes wide enough to understand the play in and around me.

I started to work out in gym to build my physical self. I grew strong, with big biceps and deep cut triceps, broad shoulders and wide chest. Then I realized my inner self needs attention, I did started working out on that, and tried to harden my emotions to the extend that it started to make people blurt immediately “Fenn you have a changed, Fenn why did you hide your self all these days, Fenn, Fen, Fenn”

I have changed a lot, I do realize, positive and negative. Now I think (trrrrrrr*…), I talk, life has changed a million ton. Now when I turn back to look the path I walked through these two years, I am happy and glad. Though in the play I have to be stabbed, till the moment of stab, God was gracious enough to hold me all the way through.

I owe a lot to all my friends who have shaped me up all these days. I pray to God that I should be able share my blessings with them. They are unique and precious. They sure are an asset to those who get them.

I Love You Guys

UNICEF's paving us an opportunity to help the world...

2007-03-24T21:54:00.000+05:30

http://friends.unicefusa.org/r/8961485e2b73102a8325
Tell all of your friends about this great opportunity raise awareness about UNICEF USA. Knowledge is powerful! The more friends you tell, the bigger the difference you can make

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10 things that's positive about my col

2007-03-23T22:45:00.000+05:30

There's nothing that could negative my stay in this blessed college, and what i have learnt there are too good to pull me through any situations... Situations that take you for a ride, guys who cool you down, chetta with hot tea, lots to share, the pride simply rocks you even when you think you are an "MCC"ian

- Profs dont act prof, they never have an attitude of, "hey kid, booooo 'm a prof and you are a student, stay in your teritory and better off my turf"... they are close enough to sponsor us peanuts when we come back home in train
- my classmates with 28 different characters and attitudes but still stay close under one roof, though at times we bring the roof down, we make sure that its kept back in its place
- music is part of our college heritage, its a part of us, and we enjoy differnt genre of music from rock to hell, classic to harmony...
- Love the internal pattern of three CA's, if one drops, you can hope on the next two CA's to clear your paper
- The cheta canteen where we hang around during the tea break, though its not a big stall, we have always found it interesting and fun to be there in those stone benches
- The participatory spirit that tends to get boosted among the students, you will not be let down at anytime from your group even if you want to
- The train journey from Guindy to Tambaram will always stay in our memory, where we used to forget that we are PG students, shout and scream like kids, and sure do have a lot of precious moments
- The culturals form the best interest of all the kids on campus, its awesome and amazing much more interesting than that is the college auditions, where you will be absorbed directly into the college teams that goes for competitions
- The MCC Christmas celebrations that are held by each of the four halls in the campus's mind blowing, you can feel the festive mood hot in there
- The freshers party, fests, farewell galla's, dept. campaigns, they are all part of your stay in campus... its really difficult to find a week without any programme in the campus, its either the departments or the SCM
- you will learn girls are not the most important happening in life and there's lot more to do that wooing them
-A sure mention should be about the campus, the enthralling 365 acre beauty and charm, Its a gift to land up in a campus like that...
-The best part is the friends who happen to enter your life and hold an important position in shaping you up without your knowledge, hats off to them, Krishna, Dinesh,Anand thunai...
To continue this chain 'm gonna tag three bloggers Aishwarya Rao, Hemamalini, Dinesh
Guys I appologize if tagging you people makes you feel bad...

The girl whom I made to cry, and She was happy

2007-03-21T20:26:00.001+05:30

Those were the days when I used to stay calm, quiet and aloof from the rest of my class. I tried hard to keep myself composed.
MCC was a dream come true. I have always admired the ambiance that the campus bewitched. On the day I went to college, the atmosphere was unusually usual. As I walked past the trees, I admired their hard trunks yet held delicate green leaves. The gutters are the cool place to hang out in the college, which I missed in the entire two years of my stay in that campus, were empty. I had reached the college much earlier than usual, to fill up the notice board (which we call interface board) with my group with whom i even hardly talk.
No body turned up except for one Rajastani Marwardi girl. Beautiful and elegant, she was there before I reached.
"How am I even gonna talk to her", I thought. I started practicing those initial words that have to lead to an conversation. "Hello", "Hi", "So, We are gonna work together", "just grin",Damn how to start a conversation, this is the draw back of co-education, see or talk, both at the same time was too difficult.
As I went near her, a miracle happened, she talked first. I felt bad. A girl talks and I don't, hmm.. "got to change a lot Fenn" I thought. She started to describe what our work is and all I did was to nod and nod. How do I address her I thought, Kushi, the girl, was so focused on her job that we and mostly she finished the job.
By the end, she for no reason she shared that the day was "Raksha Bandan( a festival which is celebrated by the north Indians to share the love between the brothers and sisters)". On that day girls usually get gifts from their brothers. She was so upset that she had to stay in an alienated place where she wouldn't be able to celebrate.
I have seen girls tying Raksha bandan( girls tie a colorfully decorated band around the person whom she considers brother), and have seen them happy and charming on that special day.
After we finished the work, she went back to hostel for lunch and I went to the shop, and came back with a chocolate. I wrote a note to her, comforting and assuring that her stay in this college would be memorable enough to evade nostalgia.
I waited for her to come to class, and there she came. As usual I wondered how do I talk to her. Phew these girls sure do trouble me a lot, why do they seem to be from Venus, I wondered. Slowly I went to her and gave her the chocolate wrapped around the piece of note that I wrote for her and as usual went back to my turf, last row and last chair.
What happened next after two mins almost ripped my brains off head, she went out crying. And Fenn, that's me, kept wondering what went wrong. Bull I didn't write anything wrong and I am sure about that, did she mistook what I meant, Could anybody in this class tell me why she is crying, I pondered over all the possibilities. Adding fire to that was the stare by my senior apparently suppose to be Kushi's friend. I could see sky falling on my head for no reason.
She came back into the class and walked to her place, I watched her all along. Slowly I went and asked her "What happened", She simply said "Thank you Fenn, I didn't expect this", "Thank you so much"that's all she could say.
I didn't say a word, slowly crawled back to my place. How emotional she tend to become over something which till that day didn't mean anything to me. We have celebrated the same in school but that was game and fun, never did we realise the fullest potential and importance of that wonderful festival. I am glad that Kushi came in my life, atleast to help me understand the fact that there is more love attached to the festival than the game.
And the next day I went to college, the prof started taking class.
I as usual sat in my last row last chair...

The corrupt cops's mercy

2007-03-21T09:17:00.001+05:30

Last Sunday, there again happened a reunion with the traffic police.. this is time it was for traffic signal violation.
Cant justify my violation, hours back i was in the beach with my friends having some wonderful , i got off the bike and didn utter a word. parked the machine and took out my papers and my licence, among three cops, one looked like a typical Indian police man, with a bot belly and a thick mustache and an old pair of uniform. I expected the atmosphere to be tense, but to my surprise I was calm and composed. I wondered why am I so calm, then realised that I should have got used with the encounters that I had with those genre of men.
One guy cared to call me to show my papers, as he checked i tried to guess what could be next possible moves, none, i zeroed in. There was an ATM centre near by the place where I stood along the cop who had himself poised in a chair.
The security guy gave a stare, and i grinned. The officer started to browse my papers. Without raising his head he said,"Do you know how much is the fine for traffic signal violation, 1000 bucks", all i could do was to shake my head to sign "oh, is it?"
Just then i heard a voice from the back,"Pay 100 and move from here", that sound good, i turned and saw another cop walking away.
I checked my pocket, gorgeously empty, my wallet had hidden 10 bucks, which i managed to see the next day, nearby an ATM centre, where I couldn draw cash since I don't hold a card.
I said, Mr.Sir, i don't have any money, I have to go home to get the money"
Then followed a stare that said nothing, "the key" said the man, and I gave him, he mounted the bike to push off to the police station, and I managed to tell him, "Sir, no money to even go home and bring you money"
Pity my situation, all the while a simple prayer with faith was going up to get the mercy from these corrupt officials, and by the grace of God I did get the permit to go..
That day was over..
The next day began with fresh new sun rise...

Guindy to Tambaram

2007-03-20T21:11:00.000+05:30

The cruise betwixt Guindy to Tambaram bygone two years is unforgettable. There were days when I used to run back just to watch a flick on TV, now when I returned home today, it was actually baffling to perceive the very truth that life on this path is soon to be on a still.There were days when we fought, we actually screamed and shouted like kids, had a wonderful chat, shared our views, our emotions, our likes and dislikes..
The guys are too good to depart, when I thought of blogging something else, I thought I owe them something that could honour them, reciprocating the truth they sure have a plenty of undeniable role in building what I am today, which they don’t really know.
Heard a guy say in the toilet, “hey we are not giving you a farewell”, phew I thought, boy sure I have saved my tears.
Hardly three weeks from now, I have to face a new set of people, new kind of job, new place to live… NEW NEW NEW, everything is gonna change, I wonder what God has in store for me..